Depression Diary during adversity.

I’m going through some adversities and I thought to make journal/diary of my feelings of the week. What I wrote is what I honestly felt.

Sunday

Morning

I don’t know how I feel today. I feel calm. But it feels more like the calm before the storm. Like I’m expecting something bad to happen. Of course a lot has been going on and yet more to happen. But right now I don’t have much going on at the present.

I don’t feel happy, but I don’t feel sad either.

I feel fear sometime but not as much I felt before. I’m scared of my future.

And worried about my testosterone levels. Whether it’s low. (I have a condition which could induce low testosterone)

I’m worried about searching for an apartment, whether I’ll get a livable one. (I have to move out of my current premises) And worried about my exam which I had to postpone previously due to health issues. (I have to do it while searching for apartments and moving, not flexible).

I helped my mom yesterday, which felt good. And helped her a bit in the morning. I’m happy to do a bit of good deeds.

Evening

I’m motivated a bit. I know getting to study medicine is an opportunity not obstacle. But sometimes it’s just a bit too much to handle. I know if I work it out and take the best of the opportunity, it’ll help. If I can focus on what I can do to make it better and think positive. Live in the present.

I think I forgot my purpose for choosing to study medicine? And perhaps I feel low testosterone due to low exercises?

I have to study for my exam and book a flight and Translate some documents.

Monday

Morning

I woke up feeling sad but positive thinking got me motivated. So now I feel peaceful. I’m gonna try to get some meditation done.

Even things aren’t going ideal for me, I know I’ll be alright.

I’ll do the translations today.

Night

I was very demotivated and depressed. I was thinking how can I survive like this for long. I wouldn’t last … bla bla bla (negative stuff)

Then medschoolinsider( a youtuber who has crohn’s disease and a surgeon) came to my mind, and the guy on my wall (I have a pic of a guy with no arms, and he holds the world record for archery) If they overcame their adversities and problems so can I. I will fight this. When it’s bad it’s bad. But I feel a bit better now.

Tuesday

Morning

Woke up feeling a bit depressed and was having ‘not so good’ dreams.

But I know it’s up to me to lift my self up and be motivated to do stuff. I’ll have to actively take part I’m lifting my spirits. People who overcame it had it worse.

Night

I’m not feeling that great. I think it’s due to low testosterone, I’ll have to go and get it checked.

I don’t feel depressed. But I feel very lazy and low energy. I’m getting frustrated now. Let’s see how it goes.

later..

I meditated today. I kind of felt ok when I was meditating. Even felt motivated.

In the end of the its my body, I shouldn’t try to find diseases to label it. Without judging myself I should try to make it better. It might not work but at least I gave it my very best. So I will have no regrets.

Wednesday

Morning

I know I feel depressed but I feel like it’s in my hand to make a change. So I’m going to watch videos that lift me and read books.

Mid day

I watched this video where the guy says, the ending doesn’t matter as much as the process (journey). I always dread the present moment and complain.

I even read the book ‘power of now’ which said the same think. I’ll try to do that. Being in the present moment.

This is not the end and I have to survive it.

When a man asked a meat seller, “give me the best piece of meat you’ve got” the meat seller replied “every piece of meat i have is the best piece”. Like that every moment is the best moment you’ve got.

Night

I’m peaceful and motivated. I discovered a meditation technique called vipassana. I tried one session today and I felt great. And I spend sometime with my family which made me feel great about my self. I understand the impermanence of things, but with regard to my mental health I’ll have to work hard. I have got to say I really feel calm and peaceful.

I translated the documents. I feel glad about it. There is more though. Checked some flights.

Thursday

Morning

Woke up feeling normal and very calm and peaceful. I don’t feel any negative energies. Was it because of meditation last night? Should continue.

Mid day

I even feel better. But I couldn’t still do the meditation for today.

Saturday

I couldn’t write yesterday but nothing much happened. I felt motivated and depressed in a cycle (which I believe partially influenced by the way of my own thinking).

Remarks:

I have read through what I wrote all this week and I saw improvement when I meditated and chose to be positive. I haven’t dig deep in vipassana meditation but I plan to do so. Helping out and doing good deeds made me happy cause I believe in karma. And to live and eat healthy, that’s very important. I believe road to peace is an active one.

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