Me vs Loneliness

I’ve tried hard recently to battle hard against loneliness, but now I realize I am battling against myself. So I’ll never win or lose. I’ll always get anxious trying to change myself.

I’ve decided to accept that I’m going to be alone, probably for quite some time. But it’s ok. If you try to answer the why question for everything it’ll become exhausting, draining all your energy. Sometimes it’s never ending. Instead of trying to find the why I’ve decided to enjoy the moment.

Harder said than done. But I’m gonna try.

Every moment is the best moment you’ve got.

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Elephant in the room: Death

This took a lot of bravery from my part. 😊

Change that comes with death is what people are afraid of, not death itself.

Death is a dramatic change, A change where the next is unknown.

For a person who is too much scientific and logical (I mean a person who doesn’t understand faith) death will be a nightmare because you can’t technically plan it, you have to have faith. There’s no guarantee for what’s to come. You can only do the best and leave the rest for faith.

Everyone has an expiration date. That end moment you will flash black all the things you’ve done. In every moment if you have done the right thing, not the thing that ‘feels’ right, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Depression Diary during adversity.

I’m going through some adversities and I thought to make journal/diary of my feelings of the week. What I wrote is what I honestly felt.

Sunday

Morning

I don’t know how I feel today. I feel calm. But it feels more like the calm before the storm. Like I’m expecting something bad to happen. Of course a lot has been going on and yet more to happen. But right now I don’t have much going on at the present.

I don’t feel happy, but I don’t feel sad either.

I feel fear sometime but not as much I felt before. I’m scared of my future.

And worried about my testosterone levels. Whether it’s low. (I have a condition which could induce low testosterone)

I’m worried about searching for an apartment, whether I’ll get a livable one. (I have to move out of my current premises) And worried about my exam which I had to postpone previously due to health issues. (I have to do it while searching for apartments and moving, not flexible).

I helped my mom yesterday, which felt good. And helped her a bit in the morning. I’m happy to do a bit of good deeds.

Evening

I’m motivated a bit. I know getting to study medicine is an opportunity not obstacle. But sometimes it’s just a bit too much to handle. I know if I work it out and take the best of the opportunity, it’ll help. If I can focus on what I can do to make it better and think positive. Live in the present.

I think I forgot my purpose for choosing to study medicine? And perhaps I feel low testosterone due to low exercises?

I have to study for my exam and book a flight and Translate some documents.

Monday

Morning

I woke up feeling sad but positive thinking got me motivated. So now I feel peaceful. I’m gonna try to get some meditation done.

Even things aren’t going ideal for me, I know I’ll be alright.

I’ll do the translations today.

Night

I was very demotivated and depressed. I was thinking how can I survive like this for long. I wouldn’t last … bla bla bla (negative stuff)

Then medschoolinsider( a youtuber who has crohn’s disease and a surgeon) came to my mind, and the guy on my wall (I have a pic of a guy with no arms, and he holds the world record for archery) If they overcame their adversities and problems so can I. I will fight this. When it’s bad it’s bad. But I feel a bit better now.

Tuesday

Morning

Woke up feeling a bit depressed and was having ‘not so good’ dreams.

But I know it’s up to me to lift my self up and be motivated to do stuff. I’ll have to actively take part I’m lifting my spirits. People who overcame it had it worse.

Night

I’m not feeling that great. I think it’s due to low testosterone, I’ll have to go and get it checked.

I don’t feel depressed. But I feel very lazy and low energy. I’m getting frustrated now. Let’s see how it goes.

later..

I meditated today. I kind of felt ok when I was meditating. Even felt motivated.

In the end of the its my body, I shouldn’t try to find diseases to label it. Without judging myself I should try to make it better. It might not work but at least I gave it my very best. So I will have no regrets.

Wednesday

Morning

I know I feel depressed but I feel like it’s in my hand to make a change. So I’m going to watch videos that lift me and read books.

Mid day

I watched this video where the guy says, the ending doesn’t matter as much as the process (journey). I always dread the present moment and complain.

I even read the book ‘power of now’ which said the same think. I’ll try to do that. Being in the present moment.

This is not the end and I have to survive it.

When a man asked a meat seller, “give me the best piece of meat you’ve got” the meat seller replied “every piece of meat i have is the best piece”. Like that every moment is the best moment you’ve got.

Night

I’m peaceful and motivated. I discovered a meditation technique called vipassana. I tried one session today and I felt great. And I spend sometime with my family which made me feel great about my self. I understand the impermanence of things, but with regard to my mental health I’ll have to work hard. I have got to say I really feel calm and peaceful.

I translated the documents. I feel glad about it. There is more though. Checked some flights.

Thursday

Morning

Woke up feeling normal and very calm and peaceful. I don’t feel any negative energies. Was it because of meditation last night? Should continue.

Mid day

I even feel better. But I couldn’t still do the meditation for today.

Saturday

I couldn’t write yesterday but nothing much happened. I felt motivated and depressed in a cycle (which I believe partially influenced by the way of my own thinking).

Remarks:

I have read through what I wrote all this week and I saw improvement when I meditated and chose to be positive. I haven’t dig deep in vipassana meditation but I plan to do so. Helping out and doing good deeds made me happy cause I believe in karma. And to live and eat healthy, that’s very important. I believe road to peace is an active one.

Adversities = strength

If I had the chance to time travel from 1year ago to this present moment, I would have gone crazy. I faced and still facing a million problems ranging from health to relationships to friends. But I’m sitting on my bed and writing this, and I’m proud of my self.

It’s not easy, never was. But I know everything’s gonna be ok.

In adversities people often forget the power of positivity. It really does wondrous magic. And deserve credit way more than people give it.

More later…… ✌🏻

Why am I doing this?

Why? … Before answering that I’ll explain what happened…

 

I still remember that day I was alone in my home in Sri Lanka, a week before I was supposed to leave to china. I had never traveled overseas and never lived away from my family before. So as you can see I was much tensed.

 

When the day was coming near my father who was supposed to come with me got sick. So I actually had to travel alone by myself to a total foreign country. All what was going in mind was negativity. I was anxious as I have never been before. I was thinking I will be all alone there, I will not have anyone to talk to. So I was already feeling lonely even before I left. But somehow I managed to conquer my mind and decide to go through my decision because I knew my true purpose was to medicine.

 

The first night I slept alone in the dormitory room, I howled and cried like a little baby. I was missing my family a lot, especially my mother. And I didn’t know anybody here, so I was feeling very lonely. One of my first fears had come true.

 

Then a miracle happened! I met my very first friend here. We quickly became best friends. I met many other people through him. And I met a couple of guys from other countries as well. So I got very close to couple of guys. I went on walks with them, watched movies with them, went out to have awesome food with them. Life was good. I was very happy!

 

But it is life we are talking about here. It is unpredictable. After one year one of the other guys I was very close with had to leave, suddenly. Suddenly as in yesterday everything was ok, today he is leaving. It was devastating for me. But somehow I managed to get myself together and help him move on.

 

I remember the day he left I came back to my room after dropping him off, I felt really bad. I had never felt more alone in my life. I started depending on my other best friend here. And I was getting more and more attached to him due to my increasing of loneliness.

 

After around 4 months since the first guy left, my other friend got some family issues. He started to change to a person I hardly recognized. Then he was hanging out with some bad crowd. It was devastating for me. In the end we stopped hanging out and he just became someone I simply see in the hallway.

 

At this point life was very hard for me. It was a very low point in my life. I remember I was even begging and crying in front of my friend for to things to go back for what they were.

 

I was spending more and more time alone. I thought I was the unluckiest person on earth.

 

One day I was bored had nothing to do and was chilling with YouTube. I stumbled across this video of Harry potter author J.K. Rowland giving an inspiring speech on Harvard graduation. I was so inspired by it and I started watching similar videos like that. Videos that motivated me to at least keep the day going.

 

I came to realize it’s my perspective on life that matters. Even if I’m Alone (which most people have to be at some point of their lives) I don’t have to feel lonely. I don’t have to depend on anyone or on any circumstance. I can and I only will be the person who can get myself to bliss.

 

So a new journey began.

 

I’m still not perfect but I’m way happier and more content and peaceful with life. The funny thing is no one else changed, the circumstances didn’t change. But I changed. I became happy and content day by day. It was by me taking an active part in my own happiness.

 

I quit social media except for YouTube. I didn’t want anyone else’s likes because I liked myself every day. My day started to not depend on someone else’s likes. I stopped comparing myself to others, which was happening to often before.

 

And finally I realized who true friends actually are. They are people who will never hurt you intentionally. Based on this discovery I was able to achieve few great friends in contrast to superficial ‘best’ friends.

 

So to answer my question.

 

The reason I typed all this and anything I type in the future, is for you. You, who are going through something similar or probably even the same situation. Or maybe you are in a worse place than me. It doesn’t matter. You have hope. Just believe in yourself. Whatever I went through, it made me only stronger. The only difference is I didn’t quit. Instead I decided to take action!

 

So if this actually help just even one person. He or she decides to be the change instead of quitting, I can say I have fulfilled my purpose.

 

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Alas!

I’m in 3rd year now I medical school. Have hit a lot of bumps and downs from the path I took since day I posted the previous post. And all I have to say is I have underestimated myself on many occasions. I never thought I’ll be writing this today being happy with all the problems I have.

But the funny thing is I am happy in a very satisfied peaceful way. Even though I have a lot to be worry about, I have a ton of things I can be thankful for.

And come to think of it, most of my friends/classmates are going through same problems I am going through, maybe even worse. But some people decided to be happy/peaceful. I respect those people!

It’s a new semester and I want to be better than who I was last semester. And I will by actively participating in acquiring good habits.

Remember happiness or peace is a choice!

P.S. I took this picture while I was in vacation in Sri Lanka this winter. Just before I came back to china last week.

Finding Peace within yourself!

sahaja

What a wonderful feeling!

I have been back in china for two weeks now. I have settled down by now.And I have to say I am feeling way better than I expected my self to be.

I’ve been watching a lot of meditation talks in TED. And it changed my thinking pattern to see the world in a whole different perspective. I recommend that meditation is something everybody should practice everyday.

Meditation gives you the connection to the silence of the world. It helps you find your inner peace.

Finding my inner peace lead me through many paths directing me to a life full of purpose.

It gives a means of acceptance. Accepting good is easy. But the bad… um not so much. Whatever good or bad we have to accept it. Because the alternative is we live in the past being unhappy thinking it could have been different.

We can’t control the circumstances. We can’t control people. We can’t expect anything from anyone. You have to accept that.

We shouldn’t be angry at our mistakes. We have to accept the fact that making mistakes is mean of learning.

We have to be able to be comfortable being alone. How do you do it? Be satisfied for who you are. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are a unique person. Your path is different from a another person.

All these stuff can be achieved by simple meditation.

Meditation simply means keeping your mind in one place, At one thought. Rather than letting it drift miles away in light speed.

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There are standard techniques of meditation but we can simply practice it even with our daily activities.

Traveling by a bus? Close your eyes and try to focus on your breathing, Let the peace flow through your body rather than letting your mind over the magazine of the person next to you. Having a bad day? Stop for second and focus on positive thoughts. Let them flow through your brain and clean your mind. Someone did you bad? Close your eyes and bless everybody, Wish that good thing will happen to your friends and even for your enemies!

This will build your confidence, Attraction, push a full stop on over analyzing situations and even make you extremely healthy and happy!

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Achievement #1

I watched the TEDx video “How to stop screwing yourself over”.

It was really motivating.

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In the end there was this ‘5 second  rule‘ where you have to do anything (any idea) that comes into to your mind before 5 seconds pass.  Because if you do you’ll  pull ‘the brakes’ on it.

Since the beginning of the vacation I was suppose to make a phone call to an old work friend. I really wanted to call my him but things were pretty awkward between us. So I was procrastinating making the phone call to avoid getting into an awkward conversation.

I was stressing myself a lot because I know I have to get use to making decisions that will help my future all though I don’t want to.

Today I implemented the 5 second rule and I am really happy. The conversation went very nicely. No awkwardness at all. It was not easy but I feel like I have grown a bit. Even though it is not so big, small achievements can have a greater impact in your life.

P.S. not to be confused with the 5 second rule where you drop your food and its is OK to eat it before 5 seconds pass. LOL I’m very much surprised by hearing this. 😀